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Some of you may have read on this site how almost 4 years ago i managed to actually stop smoking cigarettes.


I like to think that i cannot tell you the lengths i once went to to get a ciigarette and under what circumstances i smoked (they were varied) but i did.


Sometimes it would just smoking from a window but always the strongest of the cigarettes and the longest and usually one after the other but not usually more than 3 at one setting.


I very rarely smoked indoors because i could not stand the smell. Always from a window almost shamefully but never. Just a personal almost quiet distatsteful feeling about myself because of smoking which i could not escape from.


On rare occasions i would be invited to a party and of course i would have nothing to wear so i would be sat with a small lamp or sometimes a candle sewing. Sometimes sewing curtains even or peices of odd fabric to try to make an outfit.


Then i after i'd smoked the cigarettes i would sift through the cigarette ends and make a roll up /cigarette out of a kingsize slim rizlas and the cigarette ends and even a peice of cardboard rolled up in the end to create a filter.


And once when totally broke i picked some dog ends up from a street because i saw someone else doing it i guess. I hated myself for that. Damp cigarette butts which someone else had had their mouths around. Only once but i did. Dry them out on top of a radiator, they tasted disgusting and i never did it again.


I had difficulty quitting smoking on my own and there is a psyco-social aspect with smoking i am aware of that too. I felt like i would be letting those down around me who also smoked, but it isn't the case at all. And there are some who simply like smoking.


I did cough when i woke up each day too.

Then i was told i had to go to have an angiogram because my chest was so bad etc.


I managed to eventually stop by joining a group via my local GP practice. That wasn't easy either.....meeting new people and chatting etc but it wasn't bad and we did help each other through it.


Many stopped smoking and some started up again. But in the main i like to think that the other since stopped smoking too.


Anyway, recently i wanted to do a photo with a cigarette.


The photos i took are on this page.  Then, let me ask you a question please.

If you are unhappy about seeing me with a cigarette in my mouth after i stopped almost 4 years ago, some of you might now know/ see (whether you smoke or not) how i felt having stopped and seeing you smoking still.


I smoked for a week after these photos. Then i went on to nrt (nicotine replacement therapy) 14mg patches for 6 days. That was more than two weeks ago now.


There was a moment when i was a bit tipsy when some friends called round from where i used to live when i could have but i'm sort of glad i didn't too.

Whatever age you may be, do not think to pose for a photograph with a cigarette lightly.


And if you honestly cannot find something else.

If you  really really honestly must....... 'Do not' light it if you can and certainly do not inhale it.



This article was called: 'Stupidity in moments of abject loneliness' but total stupidity: by Jena Honeysnow.

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